FRANK It begins with a jerk As the lightning gets to work All your digits start to fidget And your liver gives a quiver Then a pulse, palpitating Makes the senses start sensating Setting cogs to cogitating You, my friend, are animating! For your maker is no faker And he’s no mere undertaker He has stitched you like a kipper You’re awake and feeling chipper You owe your disposition To this master of physicians Your very life’s a gift from the divine That’s me, of course, not God But Frankenstein. IGOR Yes my master does the most here Plans out all the nuts and bolts He’s the one who you should toast here Not the one mainlining volts It’s another of his triumphs For this man of many parts But in this miracle of science I wish he’d left some room for arts FRANK You my friend are quite a puzzle Made from gristle, bone, and muscle Yes, a masterpiece of stitching Hear the other surgeons bitching For they haven’t found the spark That illuminates the darkness Triggers life within the lifeless Building new wives for the wifeless For your surgeon is emerging As the population’s version Of a paragon of science! Self-made-man who makes new clients He’s behind your resurrection The viscount of vivisection! Your very life’s a gift from the divine That’s me, of course, not God But Frankenstein IGOR His procedures are precision Out of spares and second-hands I manufacture to his vision Tuning organs, stitching glands Yet there’s not an ounce of beauty Not a glimpse of golden mean Let our angle be a cutie It’s no drag to make a queen… I don’t mind his slabside manner… I just want a little glamour.

IGOR He is a man of vision, So I wish he’d stop and see We’d be doing so much better If we thought artistically Don’t want to steal his thunder, Just help him do his thing. But my ego-friendly plans end up As mixed recycling. If only, Frank, you’d read my plans Then frankly, Frank, you’d understand. If only, Frank, you’d let me try. Then frankly, Frank, we’d touch the sky. IGOR He thinks in rules and angles And of straight lines over curves Our creations get called monsters And have trouble getting served If I could make them pretty Add the butter to the fly, His practice would be perfect, And more clients would flutter by If only, Frank, you’d understand, It’s not just parts that make a man, If only, Frank, your dreams were mine. Well to be frank, I’d like a sign. IGOR (spoken) What’s this? PAPILLON (V/O) Are you a bodybuilder? Know an elbow from an ass? I need a new assistant To bring a touch of class To know what I am thinking, Put the hearse before the cart Aesthetic and electric Who thinks zhuzhing is an art IGOR Well, I can build a body! I know what makes an ass! I’m classy and I’m sassy and I can do a heart bypass I’ll anticipate your wishes, Help to polish your designs With a gigawatt right through me I’ll make any body shine! If only, Frank, you’d stop and see A little glitz is right for me. If only, Frank, you’d let me work Well to be frank, you’re being a jerk If only, Frank, I could apply But frankly, Frank, why don’t I - why? If only, Frank, this could come true! Then frankly Frank, to hell with you!

MONSTER I just came round, one scene ago I got so many things I wanna know What is a wrist? Why have a chin? How is the lymphatic system plugged in? Why have a spleen? What does it mean? There's no manual for being a man. Why when I smile, do people shriek? Am I using the wrong muscle in my cheek? I picked a flower - it fell apart How will I manage an affair of the heart? Am I allowed among the crowd? There's no manual for being a man. What did the doctor do this for? Am I a test or something more He’s stitched me out of odds and ends Perhaps he’s trying to make friends Am I supposed to be someone? Maybe his servant or his son? Is this the way I’m supposed to look? I don’t have an instruction book! I don't know who I was before I'm several people maybe more I got to get myself together And figure out my kind of fella Am I a nice guy or a tool Am I the egghead or the fool I think I’ll crack under the strain So many questions in my brain! PASSERS-BY There's no manual for being a man There's no manual for being a man There's no manual for being a man There's no manual for being a man There's no manual for being a man There's no manual for being a man MONSTER How do I find my proper place Within this so-called human race Should I act big and tough and mean Just like the other men I’ve seen Or should I put aside my pride And let folk see my softer side What makes a man, what makes a he Can someone please mansplain to me? ALL There's no manual for being a man There's no manual for being a man There's no manual for being a man There's no manual for being a man There's no manual for being a man There's no manual for being a man

DR PAPILLON Igor… how delightful! I’ve enjoyed your work before Ran my hands along your bodies - They’re just what I’m looking for The chassis are quite something, The bodywork is sound But there’s something else they’re touched by That’s a little more profound That spark… that spark Electricity inside that makes me tremble in the dark That spark… that spark I can tell from your reaction that you’d like to play your part... I see you’ve got your sketches - Let’s take a closer look How tempting; how delicious; Every cranny, every nook! Sensuous, artistic - A head of all the curves Your buttocks are bewitching But there’s more that I observe That spark… that spark Touch your base with mine and we’ll be in the same ballpark That spark… that spark Let us come together and I’ll appreciate your art... So right away - I want you! Your mind - and, oh, those hands! You slide right in beside me and I’ll meet all your demands. We’ll put our heads together, We’ll share anatomy Just sign this piece of paper and Leave everything to me That spark… that spark Sign up as my sidekick Take a step out of the dark... That spark… that spark Vault me with your voltage, check my box with your checkmark…

IGOR Mistress - I worship you! You’ve put me up here in the spotlight For the first time I feel all right I’m nervous - but excited too I can demonstrate my plans In front of all your lovely fans… PAPILLON Listen up, peasants, I know your lives suck They’re short and they’re brutal, You’re covered in muck Well that’s vile With no style It’s not fair You may think you’re ugly, You think you’re a fright But I’ve got the power To glow you up right And that’s truth You want proof? It’s right there. I know you folk like Frankenstein You think he’s the king But I’m here to tell you He ain’t everything Look at this victim, His face is a mess He’s scared of the mirror - A soul in distress We’ll fix him! IGOR Mistress - I’m here for you Just tell me what you need from me What to do and where to be Sketches I’ve made for you Do they go in your machine? How do I get my vision seen? PAPILLON (to Igor, spoken) Not now, Igor! We’ve got a customer! (to the crowd) This first lucky subject Of my cunning design He’ll go in as a car crash But come out looking fine Doubt my device? You’ll think twice No bullshit! And once this is over You will all see the truth You’ll be queuing up here To get your beauty and youth For some loot, sir I’ll make you cuter You’re worth it! Now let me introduce you To the figure of the hour Electrocutie with the duty To handle the power! So come on Igor Step up to your role Let’s smite him with lightning Make a prince from a troll! Let’s do it! FRANKENSTEIN STOP!

FRANK I went to my laboratory To do a little surgery My loyal servant not in sight And yes, I thought this can’t be right I took time from important work Tracking down this little berk And now, what’s this - base treachery? You’ve run away - abandoned me? Listen here you little shit I am having none of it Important work - you cannot shirk it You need to complete my circuit. IGOR But I don’t want to... PAPILLON Well you must be Frankenstein How charming, but I think you’ll find That Igor here your ex-assistant Now is my piece de resistance I know that your trickery Relies on Igor to agree But I’ve the contract, they’ve signed to work it Igor must complete my circuit BOTH Why is it so hard to see Your work has no humanity I’m bringing light back to their eyes With Igor’s spark I’m on the rise FRANK There is nothing scientific In your scam to sell more tickets Beauty’s falseness I despise True science shouts out “it’s alive!” PAPILLON Your science that you push so smugly Leaves your new creations ugly I make ducklings into swans, sir You spend time creating monsters BOTH Why is it so hard to see Your work has no humanity I’m bringing light back to their eyes With Igor’s spark I’m on the rise PAPILLON Igor’s mine FRANK No Igor’s mine! BOTH With Igor’s spark I am divine. My place in this society Needs Igor’s spark to set me free IGOR No! I am my own I am no man’s It’s my choice where I put my hands Shut up about science or art I owe myself a bigger part... Neither of you seem to see That what I owe myself is me I have the spark, know what to do And I can make my dreams come true

IGOR At last - I’m beautiful! PAPILLON You’re mistaken. IGOR I’m beautiful! FRANKENSTEIN You’re piss-taking! IGOR I’m beautiful! I fly up to the stars My dream’s are real My trauma and my scars Are so hard to feel I’m pretty Truly pretty My life was shitty And now it’s a joy! I’m beautiful! So beautiful! And beauty means so much to- (lightning strikes)

ALL Shit happens! There’s nothing more to say than that. Shit happens. Life drags you down and that’s a fact. When your fortune’s on the rise Life kicks you right between the thighs You can be clever, you can be rich But fate’s a bugger and life’s a bitch. Yes, shit happens! The only thing in life that’s sure Shit happens! There’s always something to endure If you can see your name in lights Look down and watch your pants ignite You might have made it to the top That just means there’s a longer drop Shit happens. The only thing that you can trust Shit happens Our advice is don’t be fussed Just get up, get on with it Assume life is a pile of shit If you expect the worst for you You might have one nice day or two.